Needed to reflect and hence here i am, with no sleep at all yesterday, and blogging here at this hour when i have to wake up at 6am tmr.

I'm in the second week into my sophomore year, going third and this is one of the most craziest weeks i've spent in my entire life.
I stepped out of my comfort zone, pushed myself really hard, and did things that i would have never think of doing in the past.

First was case competition. I have never gone through such intense planning, brainstorming and working closely with my fellow teammates. Tonning through the night looking at financial figures was indeed an experience that we never ever want to go through again.

Shortly after, i had to prepare for my election into an EXCO position in the community service club of NUS. I swear i never envisioned election process to be like this, with strict protocols and constant questions bombing. Despite my lack of experience in the club, i was elected into the position for i dont know what reason. I have mixed feelings about getting elected. Indeed, i'm really really happy to get this position, albeit small. But what comes ahead is not going to be easy, with my steep learning curve and having to fulfil many of the promises i have given during my speech. To a certain extent, i have to give myself a pat on the back for having that courage to stand up there while getting bombed and not whimper and retreat into a cave. it's one of the most most most horrible and stressful situation i have ever faced and i definitely hope to push myself even further.

Third, i actually took that first step to audition for an acapella CCA. It's quite crazy on my part since im not a good singer to start with, just passionate about it. I wasn't chosen in the end though. Perhaps it is a good thing if not i wouldn't have been juggle all my commitments as well. 

I have to cope with my studies as well. This sem's modules are quite mathematical and definitely out of my league. I have to secure my chance to go for SEP and thats one of the most important things i am currently concerned about now. With these commitments piling up, i'm questioning my ability to cope. But of course, i really do hope to make the best out of my short uni life and see how far i can push myself. Jia you!

A rant post ahead.
I'm currently part of a committee of a major varsity event and I just have some dissatisfaction about my team. Maybe working with BHBH8 was so enjoyable that no other groups are comparable.
I know it's quite unrealistic to compare a YEP team to an organising comm, but i guess it's okay to have some basic expectations of people right?

The dynamics of the group is just...off. Everyone seems fake. They can appear so bonded and comfortable with each other in group meetings and chats but outside of that, everyone is just minding their own business.
Today I was so put off by the attitude of this team mate. We bumped into each other along an enclosed staircase area. She made a fast eye contact with me but quickly look down. I was staring at her, hoping to make eye contact so I can pop a quick 'hi'. And mind you, this is the SECOND time i bumped into her and the same thing happens for both times. Ok, even if we may not be very close, at least say a friendly 'hi' will die meh?

As a matter of fact, we are going to be working together for 4-5 months. and... i'm dreading every moment of it. I just want to get my duties done and that's all to that. I foresee myself going back to 'hi-bye' acquaintances with them after the end of the event. I'm okay with a few of them but the group dynamics in general is just..... sigh.

On a side note, recently i find myself gaining this unspeakable energy inside me. Like I'm getting the momentum to work my butt off as in my JC and secondary school years. Despite sleeping 5 hours or less daily.
Every since i entered uni, i got kind of disillusioned, lost focus and flunked my studies. Maybe I'm in the wrong course. I dont know. But as of now, maybe partly attributed to the painful wake up call from my mid term results, I am gaining that force to get back on my feet and STUDY. HARD. & to work for my dream SEP in Europe.
GO GO GO!!

Posting this since no one's going to read it anyway.
Have left this blog unattended as I've recently switched back to diary writing. Able to express my emotions more  and write anything, even something close to heart.

Recently, I have been having these negative thoughts. Not too sure whether it's from the exam stress.
It's quite a normal occurence for me even in the past, to think too much.
Just that for these few days, I feel like every insult i throw at myself become more real. & I feel this sense of suffocation with thousands of eyes judging my every word and movement. People remembering every mistake i made.

I'm hating on myself more and more with every passing day. I feel like i don't deserve any love from anyone. & that's probably why i feel that people hate me & i'm being judged for everything i do. I get so uptight about how other people view me. & i try to change myself to fit other people's expectations. and then i get confused about who i really am with these different personalities i try to fit into. Sounds like some cliched drama i know.

I've confessed to my YEP team about this and even promised myself that I should not be so hard on myself and take my life a bit more seriously. It's just that during nights like this when i'm alone these thoughts just silently invade my mind.

Getting abit personal here. Gonna bury my head in my books.

Going through both physical and emotional turmoil currently.
To summarise what happened, I went to Philippines, healthy but came back battered and sick.

I am definitely not complaining. If someone asks me whether i regret going for this OCIP, i will answer with a definite "no."

I landed just yesterday midnight but had to head to the A&E immediately because i couldn't even walk. Had to be pushed around in a wheelchair.
I'm not sure what caused the various infected wounds around my legs and the soles of my feet. Even the doctor wasn't sure. My guess is that the environment and water caused some of the bites and cuts on my legs to be infected badly.

The physical pain is definitely excruciating. Even at home i dread standing up and going to the toilet.

But what makes me stronger or even appear to be optimistic is the impact of this on the people around me. Putting myself in the shoes of my parents. Seeing their daughter go overseas in a healthy state but back, limping with unsightly legs. It's painful for me to see them worry. & also some of the BHBH8 members who were constantly looking out for me and showing concern as i go through this ordeal.

Currently, I'm still getting used to waking up in the morning realising that I'm not with the same 18 people. The sudden wave of loneliness is definitely overwhelming.
I really do miss the BHBH8 team a lot and i hope the closely knitted bonds from the past 20 days would not dissipate.

Exams, snacking during studying, lack of exercise and good food have proven to be detrimental to what I see on the weighing scale.
Have been a week since I ran and the feeling is horrible. Like just sitting there and having the fats accumulating in my already fat thighs and tummy. And it doesn't help that I'm going overseas for volunteer work for an entire month.

Sidetrack a little. I did up a list of what I want for christmas. A kindle paperwhite tops the list, followed by a new digital camera I have been eyeing. All expensive gadgets $_$
But I really really want a kindle so that I don't have to constantly spend so much money getting my books.

Oh well back to studying

Diet plan starts tmr. I need to drink less starbucks toffee nut latte because all of it is accumulating into this horrendous tire round my waist.
Have been running lesser since finals are round the corner. So yeah, reason why I need to start losing weight.

I'm planning to join at least three races next year. Probably all 10k. Don't know when I would hit the half marathon calibre yet. So I'll start training full force after I come back from Philippines. Go me go!!

It's raining outside and i'm stuck at home studying for my finals.
I always run the risk of sinking into depression in this setting. Thinking a lot, sometimes too much.

I've constantly remind myself that I live only for myself, and not others.
But sometimes i just let that get to me.
And i think about how much dissonance i would have caused if i'm gone. Probably not much.


 My purpose of living...I'm not so sure now.